Reality Shows We’ll (Hopefully) Never See
Just when it seems reality TV has hit rock bottom, a new and increasingly demeaning show emerges to set the bar even lower. These are some of the offers that do not exist. yet — but wait until FOX and UPN executives hear about these ideas.
boobjob ambush:
In this exciting makeover extravaganza, we give a team of plastic surgeons a van, a bottle of ether, and a mission: endow, endow, endow! They will roam the city in search of flat-chested women to ‘enhance’. Watch as doctors analyze their patients…Look, ‘A’ cups! Grab her!“Then they load her into the van, tuck her under, and kick her back to the curb with a fabulous new set of double Ds. That’s ‘Ambush Boobjob,’ where our tagline is: “We make mountains out of a grain of sand, whether you like it or not!“
Electric date:
Every week a new woman goes on blind dates with three men. And a taser. She watches, laughs and learns while the boys forget to bring flowers. *bzzzzttt!* Or stop opening the car door. *zzzzap!* Or try ‘going French’, after suggesting they ‘go Dutch’. *ssssszzzzzzzzttttttttt!!* At the end of the show, the girl chooses her favorite friend, who can choose between a second date or a trip to the local burn room. Fun for all the family!
Ultimate Starving Comic:
A ‘real’ reality show, this show follows the lives of ten stand-up stand-ups with no day job, as they compete for gigs, auditions…and sandwiches. Only one will be able to put together enough cash to buy groceries; the rest will turn to begging or give up entirely and settle in soul-sucking, entry-level day jobs. Who will play to full houses and who will deliver packages for a living? Tune in to find out!
My great and hateful television actress:
In this spin-off, we follow the trials, tribulations, and most importantly, the tantrums of a formerly famous actress, as she tries to fight her way back into the spotlight. We will find the most belligerent, atrocious, mouthy… Wait a minute. We already tried this one with Roseanne. And Kirstie Alley. and Kathy Griffin. We can’t be more belligerent that. It doesn’t matter.
Pimp my girlfriend:
Still in the concept phase, this show could take one of two routes. In one scenario, we’ll let husbands-to-be compete for glamorous enhancements for their blushing brides-to-be: facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, and the like. Just like ‘The Swan’, for the already laced up crowd. If we go the other way, you’ll see husbands pimping their new wives for cash and prizes. Either way, it’s going to be the most uncomfortable and gratuitously shocking show since… well, since ‘The Swan.’ Or that ‘NYPD Blue’ with the Dennis Franz butt. Watch out for the pilot.
Queer eye for the boy down the street:
Just because you wear rags and live in a box doesn’t mean you can’t be fabulous! Our dream team of fashionistas in lightweight loafers take on one homeless person each week and transform their clothes, sheds, and shopping carts into stylish, modern wonders. Watch the guys work magic with burlap, turn paper bags into treasured decorations, and you won’t believe the substances that can be used as ‘hair product’, in a pinch. See the bums get fabulous and step inside ‘urchin chic’ downstairs. It will sweep the nation, one alley at a time!
The real MASH:
First, it was ‘The Real Beverly Hillbillies.’ Then ‘The real Gilligan’s Island’. Why not bring back the most popular thirty year old TV show of all? We’ve taken ten contestants to Korea, where they’ll spend twelve tumultuous weeks dodging bullets, bringing people together, and competing for fabulous prizes! And we’ve even gotten Jamie Farr, the original Sergeant Klinger, to host, because really, what else has he done since 1983?
The real world: Guantanamo:
This is the true story — ‘Truu-uuuee sto-ray!‘ — of seven strangers, chosen to live in a small cell and erase all records of their lives from all official records. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being… well, frankly, we’re not sure. The military won’t let our cameras in, but we’re working on it. Maybe in time for the fall sweeps.
Survivor:Brooklyn:
Forget the arid hinterland or a mosquito-infested jungle. Let’s see what kind of alliances form when we leave teams of wide-eyed tourists in the middle of the district. Taxis only big enough for two people, subway trains going in all directions, challenges that involve walking through long, dark alleyways: will competition reign or will survival instinct kick in? And if it gets boring, we’ll accompany you to Harlem to liven things up? There is only one way to find out!
Temptation Island: Greenland:
Sure, it’s more interesting with skimpy clothes on and hot, sweaty nights. But if these folks can create sparks through subzero temperatures and six layers of parkas, it’s worth watching! Will they “play it cool” or risk hypothermia by shooting in permafrost? Only time, and emergency frostbite treatments, will tell.