The six persons of defiant children

When considering the categorization of various types of child behavior, it can be helpful to identify them with a positive role model, or at least in some cases, an easily identifiable role model. It is possible to identify six clearly identifiable characters that children with challenging behaviors fit into, according to clinical psychologist Andrew Fuller (Tricky Kids, 2007).

They are:

Manipulators

Negotiators

Discussions

Competitors

Dare devils

Passive resistant

The Manipulator (Henry Kissinger, Angelica – RugRats): These are children who have the ability to wrap people, especially adults, around their little finger, and they often dominate and control other people. Manipulators can often turn into bullies and then pretend to be “cute” when adults are around. They are determined and like to take charge and tell people what to do. They often have successful careers in business and high-level corporate life.

Manipulators are great at adapting their behavior to their environment, so their behaviors can vary significantly in different settings. They know how to push buttons to get their way, and when they fall, it’s usually big time. Not only do they need to be the center of attention, but they also have a strong desire to be the best at any cost. His motto can be summed up as ‘the end justifies the means’ and he will often lie and bring down others to win.

The best way to start turning a handler into a reciprocator is to increase your vigilance, get them to accompany you on outings like shopping and small errands. They can protest, but persevere, as these children basically need to parent excessively. The best results are obtained when they are not left to their own currency but are always included or accompanied by an adult, or when an adult always watches over them.

The Negotiator (Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace): These kids are really turned on; They are the wheels and dealers of the world. They are very smart on the street and can engage people with their humor, allowing most people to basically like them.

Negotiators are cunning and funny and they try to control by resisting instructions and requests, while still engaging people by being jokers and pranksters, and unfortunately they don’t seem to know when enough is enough. Avoid areas of potential distraction failure

There is a golden rule when it comes to negotiators and that is to choose your battles; Negotiators will always have more energy to fight than any parent. Be very careful not to let the times when you show affection for your child turn into times for them to negotiate.

Since negotiators love the audience, negotiate with them away from the audience. Make sure you have a clear and immovable bottom line before you negotiate. Don’t fight or give in to a negotiator, and in times of conflict, step back and calm down – it’s not your goal for them to submit to your will, but rather to develop integrity and consideration for others.

Negotiators are often impressed with the rewards, and a small award can often be more effective than a compliment, especially if they believe they have beaten the odds to achieve it. Use tangible rewards, like free time and stickers, rather than just praise.

The Debater (Margaret Thatcher, Jerry Springer, JFK): They are characterized by the syndrome of ‘what about me’, they want to hold everyone else responsible. They have an overdeveloped sense of justice, fairness, and the balance between good and evil. They are very determined and verbal children and this is a deadly combination.

The debaters are energetic and motivated by your cause. Unfortunately, they need to learn a variety of aspects of social interaction and are often out of tune with their own emotions. They can often suffer a feeling of insecurity as to whether they are good enough or lovable.

Since Debates are highly verbal children who can engage you in endless conversation and debate, particularly regarding the fairness or unfairness of a situation, it is important that you commit to not debating them for long periods of time. Instead, respond with affection. Take care of their hurt feelings and offer them understanding rather than pity, and make it a point to establish situations and opportunities in which they can experience success.

Finally, set a special time each week for these children with a definite beginning and ending where they know that time belongs to them and they won’t have to fight and complain to keep their attention. They are at a basic ‘attention seekers’ level.

The Competitor (Lance Armstrong, Winston Churchill): He has an incredible spirit and can conquer the world. These kids like to show off and don’t handle losses well. They are best summed up in ‘second place is the first of the losers’. When faced with conflict, they build a fortress for their posture.

Competitors are challenging to the extreme and need to win at all costs. They are happy to cut their noses to screw up their faces. They are often attention-grabbing sponges and will often do anything to avoid losing face.

When it comes to a competitor, it is important to realize in the first place that the consequences have little fear and make little difference to them. If you ground them, they’ll say I’m fine, I’m happy in my room.

Again, these kids love the audience and therefore never conflict with a competitor in the presence of an audience as you will lose. Competitors respond best when challenged by parents, however, be careful not to “bet” directly on your child. Use third-person challenges such as “not many people would believe you could …” or “not many people would believe that you are responsible enough to …”

Do not compare your performance with that of others, but rather with your previous performances. An oversight often seen with these children is that because winning comes so naturally to these children, we can overlook the fact that they are not good at just playing. Look for opportunities to involve them in activities that are not competitive, there is no winner or loser, such as theater sports or theater. Competitors are often good at taking responsibility and it is important to make sure they have some age-appropriate areas of responsibility to aid their development.

The Dare Devil (Steve Irwin, Evel Knievel, Harry Houdini) – is the boy who always reports to the lost desk of the local show. Raising these children is like participating in an extreme sport.

These children are very attention seekers and they love a challenge, especially with excitement and enthusiasm. They often excel in careers as emergency services workers, firefighters, police officers, or stunt specialists. Unfortunately, they are not great future planners.

They are often very sweet in nature and are not intended to cause worry or concern and, in fact, as they have little or no fear, it is rare that the idea that you might be alarmed never crosses their minds. In fact, the love these children have for intensity means that they often don’t think things through.

Since we are not going to be able to keep these kids away from their emotions and spills, we need to find more positive ways to take risks, like motocross, paintball, camping, etc.

Again, in conflict situations, it is beneficial to keep the conflict away from the audience, as these children have a reputation to defend and uphold. These children are very optimistic and often overestimate their own abilities. To combat this, we must help them think carefully and develop an effective sequence by asking lots of questions when they are planning something.

Although this may be like pulling teeth, it helps prepare them for the risks they are about to take. Also, some relaxation, visualization, and mental imagery, along with concentration, will help them become more focused exercises.

Passive Resistance (Mahatma Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi): tends to be vague, reserved and disorganized, they tend to move through life slowly. They tend to be unaware of things, that is, “why didn’t you do your homework?” they would answer ‘what task?’ They have a tendency to enrage and drive their parents crazy.

Passive resisters are usually very bright and highly sensitive, and can retreat and avoid life to avoid failure, and like competitors, they don’t care much about the consequences. They tend to have a learned “helplessness” style that is passive and seems to hope that everything will go away. They seem calm on the outside and often withdraw from life and become very private about their thoughts and feelings. They often lose possessions and seem not to listen to the information received. These children are minimalists in both action and verbal conversation, often with one-word responses.

What doesn’t work for these kids is yelling, nagging, begging, trying to be a motivational coach, or guessing what they’re thinking. However, an increase in responsibility often causes a change in desire.

The best way to influence these children is to build a positive relationship. During this phase of relationship building, look directly at them when you speak to them and don’t accept shrugs and one-word responses. Basically, you have to think about lowering the pressure and increasing the presence. They need to know that avoiding family interactions is not an option. Look for opportunities for your confidence and competence in caring for others or pets.

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