I’ll be fine
As I sat at Panera Bread in Saratoga Springs waiting for my husband to finish his meeting, I knew he was going to be fine. Maybe it was the first hot cup of coffee I’d had in weeks and the comfort it brings, or maybe it was Adele singing in my ears, maybe it was getting out of the rental house I hated so much, but it felt good. I felt calm. I had a total meltdown a few days ago, and it was a lot like my first trip to Paris. My dream has always been to visit Paris, the amazing cakes and coffee, the charming cobbled streets and of course the Eiffel Tower. Paris didn’t live up to the huge expectations I had for it, and neither did this adventure to Albany.
But walking out of that dreaded rental house and putting a hot cup of coffee in my hands, I really felt like I was going to be okay. Eventually, Paris was fine too. I loved the Eiffel tower; We took a Segway tour of the city with an American tour guide, had the most fantastic coffee and the croissants were, as you can imagine, to die for and had become the target of my own bakery. Eventually, Albany will be fine. I’m going to start working; We will live in our own apartment where I can cook and bake without being afraid of mice droppings getting into our food. I will make friends and we will be happy. Eventually I’ll get to a store where I’ll break down and buy a winter coat, and I’ll be warm. I’ll ignore the looks of shock and sheer disbelief when we tell people we’ve moved from Nashville to Albany.
As we drove from Albany back to Nashville to pack our things, I noticed a few things. The first was that I realized that 95% of my problem moving to New York is our current rental house. Mice, drafty windows, it’s dark, no DVR, and none of my stuff is in that house, even my own pots and pans.
The second realization was that Nashville is comfortable and familiar to me. I know where things are, I have friends there and people know me. I don’t know where there is anything in Albany.
Third, and probably one of the hardest things, my chickens are in Nashville. This will be the first time since 1991 that I will live anywhere without my children. Now don’t get me wrong, my kids are doing just fine 1,000 miles away from me, and I still talk to them every day, but this is the first time I’ve had to experience the whole “Empty Nest Syndrome” and it’s really hard.
Fourth and last, Nashville is the city I became and grew up to be my true self. When I moved to Nashville, I didn’t really have much of an identity and in five short years I managed to become the person I think I always was deep down. Nashville will always have a special place in my heart for allowing me to become who I am.
A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend from Nashville while showing him photos of the different apartments in New York. He said something that was probably the only thing that made me realize I was going to be okay in New York. He said, “I’ve come to the conclusion that once you grow up and become your true self, it’s best to move on. Staying in the same place will stop your growth.” Just like good friends, those few words made me feel better instantly. He also said that he was going to buy me a shirt that said WWEGD. When I asked if she had started drinking during the day, he said no, that means what would Elizabeth Gilbert do? Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love as well as my favorite book Big Magic. In Big Magic (which she had completely forgotten about) she says that you should try new things and take your fear with you, just don’t let it drive you. I have been letting fear have full control of my trip to Albany, but I promised no more.
I have decided that 2016 is about spreading my wings and flying. Albany will give me that opportunity, and for the first time I’m excited to finally settle into an apartment, move my stuff from Nashville, and start flying. I’m bringing fear because I have to, but it’s in the trunk of my car a lot.