My husband got an apartment without discussing it first. What does this mean for our separation?
Many wives are very surprised when they find themselves separated or living alone. While many knew her marriage was in trouble, many didn’t realize her husband was looking for an alternative place to live. Most of the time, she didn’t even tell them that she was considering it, much less that she was actively looking for it.
So wives in this situation are often shocked, frustrated and scared. Someone might say, “I can’t say that I had no idea that one day I might separate. But I thought I had time. I thought, God forbid, if my husband wanted to leave, he would at least let me know before he did.” I never saw him looking in the paper for an apartment. He never told me I was going to have to do everything by myself. One day I came home from work and found the closet quite nice. Very empty. I texted him and he replied that it had been moved and doesn’t understand why I’m so surprised. Well, I think it goes without saying that I’m surprised because he acted without any kind of discussion. “I don’t think it’s unfair to expect to be consulted. And I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I have no idea if he signed a lease or what I should expect from him. Is this common? Do husbands just move in with not talking?”
Some do. I wouldn’t call it common. But it’s certainly not completely uncommon. Below I will discuss some possible reasons why her husband may not have consulted her about this, and where she might consider going from here.
He may not have wanted you to be angry or try to talk him out of it.: Most of the time, when a husband leaves without arguing, he does so because his intention was to avoid an argument. He maybe he was afraid of the debate or didn’t want you to try to talk him out of it. He maybe he wanted to make a dramatic statement and was afraid it would lose its impact if discussed in advance. Whatever the reason, you probably can’t change his decision now, which brings me to my next point.
where to go from here: Unless your husband has not signed a lease or made a commitment, there is not much you can do to get him back home without breaking the lease or suffering a financial loss. These two things can make her cling to the new place of hers, even if she eventually realizes that she acted too quickly.
The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes it becomes obvious that there’s no immediate way back from this. If this is the case, there is no point in wasting time trying to get him to change his mind. If he can’t or won’t change this decision, then you have to live with what it is.
If it becomes clear that your life elsewhere isn’t going to change right away, then the next goal is probably to set the tone going forward. Yes, this may mean you’re not living together right now, but it doesn’t have to mean you’re not talking, seeing, or reconnecting. Don’t let your anger and shock sabotage what could happen tomorrow.
If you want him and your marriage back, the real goal should be to reestablish regular communication that you can build on. I know this is a scary and frustrating time. But sometimes living apart can have some benefit. It pauses problems, gives people perspective, and allows your spouse’s absence to contribute to your missing them.
All of these things can work in your favor. It is very easy to be angry and scared, but giving in to these feelings is almost never beneficial. Having been through this myself and coming out okay, the best advice I can give you is not to spend too much time dwelling on the fact that he moved on. This will only frustrate both of you and drive him away. Understand when he has sailed that ship and then focus on what’s next. That is, forge a regular communication program so that they do not separate.
I know it sucks that I haven’t discussed this with you. But thinking about it isn’t likely to change him or do him any good right now. You better put your energy where it can make a difference. And focus on tomorrow and not yesterday.