Strategies to communicate effectively with your partner (Part 1)

The XYZ statement has been used in both personal and business relationships as an effective way to introduce a potentially sensitive topic of discussion. It works like this: You establish the theme or setting (X), follow it with the context in which the setting takes place (Y), then end with how it makes you feel (Z). Let’s see some examples:

This is an ineffective way of posing a problem: “How come you never help with the dishes? We both work all day, you know?”

This is the XYZ statement form of presenting the same problem: “When you don’t help me with the dishes (X) after we’ve both worked all day (Y), I feel frustrated and unappreciated (Z).”

Here’s another set of examples:

Ineffective: “You bought a new flat screen TV without consulting me? Don’t you realize we have bigger bills to pay?”

XYZ: “When you make a big purchase like that (X) without asking my opinion first (Y), I feel frustrated and disrespected (Z).” Why does this communication strategy work?

It is effective because, although you are identifying a behavior or action of your partner (X) in a specific context (Y), the Z part is about your reaction to the situation. You are responsible for your own reactions and feelings: your partner does not make you feel anything. Accepting and communicating your responsibility in this equation helps reduce defensive reactions from your partner and an escalation into an argument. A word of caution: Be careful using this method only to describe a behavior or action, not a perceived personality trait.

For example: Avoid saying, “When you come home and you’re lazy…” When you want to say, “When you come home and you throw your jacket on the couch…” Using a term like “lazy” doesn’t lead to a effective dialogue.

Finally, the wonderful thing about the XYZ statement technique is that it can also be used for positive situations and feedback, which can lead to a closer relationship between you and your partner.

For example: “When you asked my opinion about buying a new TV (X), even though I know your heart was set on buying one right away (Y), I felt appreciated and loved (Z).” He tried to practice the XYZ bid strategy with his partner. I truly believe that both of you will find this a more rewarding way to discuss and resolve any issues you encounter in your everyday life.

Stay tuned because Part 2 is coming soon!