The real cause of boundary problems

The ability to set boundaries, as well as respect the boundaries of others, is critical to your ability to form healthy relationships in all areas of your life. However, most people struggle with boundary issues at some point in their lives.

Some people struggle with setting boundaries at work. They convince themselves that wasting time with their families to complete urgent tasks for the boss is a necessary sacrifice in today’s business world. Others find it nearly impossible to set boundaries with their parents. “After all, she is my mother and she has no one else,” they say to each other.

Others are most challenged with romantic relationships, thinking that an awkward commitment is required for marriages or long-term relationships to survive. And some unfortunate souls find it difficult to set boundaries in any area of ​​their lives, becoming the human equivalent of the doormats on which everyone else dumps their work and worries.

It’s often easy to see when friends and family allow their boundaries to be violated, as well as what they need to do to protect their boundaries. But assessing and protecting your own limits can be much more difficult. That’s because the emotion that underlies all boundary issues, fear, clouds your ability to accurately gauge the situation.

The root of all boundary problems

All boundary issues, regardless of type, are rooted in fear in some way. Fear of not being loved. Fear of losing someone or something. Fear of disapproval. Fear of not getting what you want. Fear of being “outed” as a fake or whatever else you tell yourself. fear of success Fear of losing friends.

People who allow their boundaries to be violated or who refuse to set boundaries often fear losing approval or love. They are convinced that if they set a line, in essence putting their own comfort and happiness above someone else’s, they will lose that person’s love, approval, and companionship. In some cases, they may fear losing even more, like the employee who is sexually harassed because they are afraid of losing their job.

People who break boundaries often share the same fears. However, they have a very different way of dealing with it. Instead of giving in to someone else’s demands to gain approval and acceptance, they take on an aggressive role, throwing away their values ​​and morals to get what they want. Boundary breakers demand satisfaction just as babies and toddlers demand satisfaction with little or no attention to what the people around them want or need.

The price for not maintaining healthy boundaries is high, regardless of which side of the fight you’re on. Boundary violators’ inability to function within social norms eventually costs them relationships, as the people around them tire of being treated with disrespect. People with weak or no boundaries eventually find themselves stressed and exhausted as they give more and more of themselves in the never-ending search for love and acceptance.

Successfully tackling boundary problems involves a variety of steps. First, you need to harness enough love to be able to say “yes” to yourself. Setting boundaries is all about self-care and self-respect.

Once you’ve chosen to make yourself a priority, it’s critical to identify and deal with the fear that fuels your boundary issue. Without this crucial work, learning the mechanics of setting limits, such as the language to use when imposing a limit, will be ineffective and produce temporary results.

Finally, identify and communicate your limits to others. Keep in mind that to do this successfully, you must be willing to redefine or even walk away from unhealthy relationships. Boundary breakers will try to find ways around your limits, using manipulation techniques such as lashing out in anger, trying to induce guilt, or trying to make you doubt yourself and your new limits.

Many people who try to learn limit-setting techniques on their own find that frustration and confusion are common side effects. This is not surprising, since breaking these lifelong patterns means learning to interact with the world in a whole new way.

Guidance and support from a third party can be extremely beneficial as you practice your new skills. Options include programs that teach boundary-setting skills, as well as workshops that allow you to unearth and address the all-consuming fears that drive boundary issues. Some people, especially those who have experienced trauma or are struggling with addiction, may find the help of mental health professionals particularly beneficial.

Walking through fear requires a lot of courage. But the reward of greater personal freedom and more satisfying relationships makes the exercise worth it.