Understand and move toward the seven goals of grief

Can unnecessary suffering be minimized by mourning the death of a loved one? Is the tort always totally disabling? What options are there to manage intensity and sadness? These questions go to the heart of understanding the complaint process at a time when we are disorganized and need support.

What happens in the lives of most mourners, and it may be happening to you, is that they are often unaware of their choices and where they should put their effort to ease their pain. Specifically, the search is for guidance on how and what to do to face the loss, overcome it, and start a life without the loved one.

Here are seven main goals to work on in coping with your great loss that will help you adjust to a new world.

1. Accept the reality of what happened. The most important goal of mourning is to accept the death of the loved one. Intellectually this is relatively easy to do. You can say yes to the fact that death occurred. However, in terms of the deep emotional connection to the loved one, acceptance is often much more difficult, and denial often prevails. Continually facing the pain of reality and expressing it day by day gradually leads to true acceptance.

2. Normalize the emotional pain of separation. The thought of separation can bring the deepest pain ever experienced. Despair, depression, anger, feelings of emptiness, confusion, helplessness, and loss of control are common. They generate thoughts of no future, a lot of loneliness and a lack of love. Emotions by themselves are neither good nor bad; it’s what we do with them that counts. They are handled by talking about them with trusted friends and continually telling yourself that these are expected human responses.

3. Confront the physical pain of separation. Many people do not realize that there is a strong physical component to the tort until it is too late. They get sick, experience nausea, lose weight, and are unable to eat or sleep. When you were grieving, every cell in your body was grieving. Negative thoughts and the stress they add eventually compromise the immune system. Your feelings and physical conditions will have a greater impact on your emotional state. Taking daily breaks to rest and nourish yourself is essential to prevent diseases.

4. Find out and grieve your secondary losses. The grievance often seems to escalate at various times after you feel that you are doing well. This can usually be attributed to not acknowledging and mourning the secondary losses that accompany all major losses. Has the death of your loved one shattered your dreams and expectations, caused you to move, change jobs, or narrowed your social circle? These and many other secondary losses, which may occur months or years later, are to be mourned, and some of them may be more demanding than death itself.

5. Start reinvesting in life and establishing new routines. Grief commonly involves the need to take your emotional energy and invest it in new rewarding projects, purposes, and activities. This is a slow process that also dictates that old routines must be abandoned and new ones adopted. It in no way means that you are forgetting about the beloved; it implies that your loss means new roles, responsibilities and taking on tasks previously assigned to your loved one. The hours you used to spend with him or her will now change depending on which path you take.

6. Accept and release sad reminders. We are programmed to remember memories of all kinds, some of which can be extremely useful (love memories) and others that need to be gently released. Again, it’s normal to remember your loved one whenever you’re doing something you used to do together. It can be painful and sad, in which case you accept the reminder and don’t dwell on it. The key is to divert your attention from it and tell yourself that it is normal to have these memories. Gradually, they lessen their impact.

7. Establish a new relationship with the deceased and take risks again. Few mourners are encouraged by friends and family to establish a new relationship with the deceased. Therefore, it is often done in a less than overt manner. Death does not end a relationship; it changes it. You can learn to love in separation, which means it’s healthy to talk to your deceased loved one, if you want to. Establishing a new relationship will free him to take risks again, face the unknown, and continue to participate in the new world in which he lives.

Part of loving in separation involves treasuring the memories, talking openly about the deceased, remembering them at celebrations, and living the lessons taught. Thomas Moore in Dark Nights of the Soul put it this way: “Perhaps if we honored the dead more, we would know better what it means to have reverence for life…”

As you grieve your loved one, assess how you are progressing in meeting your grief goals. With every major loss comes hidden gifts because it is a natural part of life. Look at them carefully and focus on them. And if you think you’re stuck on your complaint, find a best friend and discuss your fears with him. persists. Never let death have the last word. You will overcome your grievance with a new awareness and discover a new perspective on life.