What did you say about my son?
As the Fair Lady and I walked out, I remember mentioning something of a corrective nature about her son. After all, I was eventually going to be her stepfather and, as a highly experienced and unbiased observer, I was able to see things more objectively than the Fair Lady.
Despite my notorious lack of previous parenting experience, I knew what worked for me as a kid, so I must be an authority on some level. Yes of course. At the time, I didn’t think much about what I said or the way I said it. I must have been thinking that I know that she knows that I mean well so that she understands my bull-in-the-china-closet approach.
But I could tell from the look on her face that she was crazier than a hunchback in a limbo contest.
Where does all this anger come from? It wasn’t until later that I learned that parents don’t want to hear criticism about their children or their parenting skills. So how do you go about having conversations about children without incurring the Wrath of Khan?
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
Your partner may feel guilty about your children’s current circumstances. Remember that children are grieving the death of their first family either through divorce or the death of their biological father.
If it’s a divorce, your partner may feel responsible for turning your lives upside down and causing you to spend your childhood between two homes. Expressing your understanding of your partner’s feelings and your commitment to supporting your role as a parent will help keep your defensive shields down.
Where and when do you say it?
Conversations about children should take place at a time and place where children are out of hearing distance. The conversation should take place at a time when you are both calm and not reacting to what the children did or did not do.
How do you say it
Remember to use “I” statements and avoid “you” statements. For example, “I feel annoyed when Bob raises his voice at you. Compared to “You have to tell Bob not to raise his voice when he talks to you.”
In the first statement, your partner may feel some embarrassment/embarrassment, but at the same time it hopefully picks up on your desire to see your partner honored and respected by your child.
The second statement is very likely to create defensiveness and resentment. Not to mention a night on the couch.
Avoid trigger words like “You always…”, or “You never…” and “There you go again.”
Also consider your non-verbal communication. Are your arms crossed, are you ravishing? Do you use sarcasm or express contempt, or do you roll your eyes? Do you use aggressive gestures, such as pointing fingers or raising your voice? Or are you calm, sitting next to your partner and perhaps gently touching him?
It is important that your partner knows that you are speaking from a place of love towards them and their children. Let your partner know that your goal is to build a big family with them.
Let it go
Are you hypersensitive to the child’s behavior because you are on the outside looking in? See for yourself. How often do you react to their negative behavior? Do you respond to their positive behavior with the same frequency and energy? Balance and moderation is the goal here. The phrase “Progress, not perfection” comes to mind. Children are not perfect and by the way neither are you.
Always correcting and never praising your stepchildren is a quick way to build resentment and prevent bonding not only from your stepchildren but also from your partner. You don’t want to be known as the nag, the picky eater, the picky eater, etc.
Let your partner and stepchildren know that they are good parents and great kids after all, which is why you wanted to be a part of their lives. By consistently building a positive balance of praise and compliments, you will eventually have earned the right to talk to your partner about children.
Your parents probably did an excellent job of raising you to be the mature and responsible adult you are today, but understand that there is more than one way to raise a child and achieve the same goal. If it’s not life-threatening or illegal, ask yourself what would happen if you let it go.