Husband to Wife: "I am gay" – A new discourse and trajectory

There are many things that a woman does not want to hear from her husband. “Honey, I’m gay” could be one of the surprises of all time. Talk about one’s world being upside down and upside down. And if there are children involved …

With the advent of Stonewall in 1969 and the subsequent “coming out” of gay people at all levels of society, gay men who got married for a myriad of reasons, chief among them out of fear, are now finding themselves out. Realize that it’s time to be who you really are: gay. mens.

Although the act of coming out is fraught with potential loss and even danger, the need to be authentic outweighs fears. And it’s causing a huge uproar within families, communities, our nation, and around the world.

What is key to a married man’s coming out process is understanding that everyone (wife, children, family, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, colleagues, community, church, and group members) will also join coming out of the closet. process. This will happen whether they want to join or not. And, like the husband who comes out, they will face many of the same emotions, insecurities, and fears. What is required is a new discourse, in which all those involved, individually and collectively, begin a new trajectory.

Many people know the LGBTQ community and opinions and judgments have been formed about it. What they know ranges from the truthful to the fabricated to the ignorantly evil. Almost everyone knows someone who is gay; not many know a man who is actually gay in hiding in a marriage to a woman. When the news that you are gay reaches them, it can be disconcerting, enough to put an end to friendships, associations, and family connections.

Let’s face it: most human beings want life to be organized, safe, and comfortable. Essentially harmless. What is it about a gay man that makes so many people nervous? For some, homosexuality is a sin: the next step is hell and eternal damnation. For others, it is a matter of being contrary to nature: they are Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Others fear that he will say something about themselves: guilt by association. And for some, it is dangerously close to a hidden truth.

However, the fact is that there are many men who opted for heterosexual marriage because it was the safest thing to do. They prefer to repress their desires and subvert their own being to avoid rejection, abuse and humiliation, excommunication, condemnation and even death. But in the dichotomous world of individuality and the “fuck you” mentality versus the backlash of conservative homogeneity, more men are deciding that they can no longer deny their essential self.

As much as we try to ignore, deny and legislate against the LGBTQ community, the phenomenon of married men coming out will continue its course. The interesting thing is that very little changes when a man comes out. He is still the man he has always been, except his lifestyle will change to some degree and it is quite possible that you will see him with another man, maybe even at his wedding to that man. He is still a man with whom you can talk, work, share life experiences, be in your heart and be a part of your spiritual life. In essence, he is still someone with whom you can continue to be a part of your life.

For that to happen, all that is needed is communication, a new discourse. Gay men are not monsters nor are they possessed by demons. They are just men who love men. What moves their hearts is no different from others.

The new discourse tries to understand why a man who identifies as gay chose to enter into a heterosexual marriage and what drives him from within to be more authentically who he is. There is nothing black and white about this situation. It is contextual and specific to each individual, and it is life changing.

There are those who will close the door on any married man who comes out. So be it. Those are not the people you need in your life. Other people will be curious, scared, accepting, defensive and / or supportive and affirmative. Reactions and emotions will run the gamut. The keys to all of this are patience, compassion, and an open mind. So speech is possible without the shackles of preconceptions, fear, and judgment. The new trajectory is a world of acceptance and open hearts guided by unconditional love.